Marion K. Jacobs, Ph.D. asked: Maybe you heard the old joke. Two guys, Joe and Martin, are discussing a problem Martin is having. No matter what helpful thoughts Joe offers, as usual Martin’s got a negative response. Frustrated, Joe finally says, “You know what, Martin, you need to get yourself an optirectomy!” “What’s an optirectomy?” Martin wants to know. Joe explains. “It’s where they sever the nerve between your eyeballs and your rectum to cut out your shitty outlook on life.
Some people are like that. When they look at themselves or the world around them, the glass is always half empty. Painting life gray is such a deeply rooted habit that it happens to them automatically, without any thought being given to the possibility that things aren’t necessarily as bleak as they feel. It’s a shame too, because the habit of chronically interpreting things negatively cuts so much joy out of life.
Notice that I call negative thinking a habit. That’s exactly what it is. Nobody is born a negative thinker. It’s something a person learns to do, often from the people around them as they’re growing up, people who themselves think that way. Still, the fact that it’s a learned habit is good news. What was learned can be unlearned and a healthier, more realistic way to think can be put in its place.
Getting rid of a bad personal habit like chronic negative thinking is not unlike changing a physical habit, say correcting your golf or tennis swing. Or to take a more dramatic example from the physical world, imagine you just moved to England and need a car to get around. Brits drive on the opposite side of the road, and their driver’s seat is where our passenger seat is. Not only does everything feel backwards, you’re aware that your American driving habits could get you killed if you’re not ultra careful. As a matter of survival, you start out very self-conscious and hyper-vigilant, eyes glued to the road, mentally coaching yourself through each little step. With practice, the new ways sink in, boosting your confidence about driving in Britain. After a while it’s become so natural you can drive and listen to the radio or plan your day.
What you’ve done is force yourself to unlearn old driving habits as you step-by-step built new driving habits. Naturally you felt tense and vigilant in the beginning. But as the new habits grew stronger and your body began building muscle memory, you began relaxing and didn’t have to concentrate so hard on every little move. In time driving felt pretty much the same as back home.
Changing psychologically driven habits requires undergoing much the same process as changing physical habits. There is nothing magical about either one. You have to pinpoint the problem first. What is it that you have a habit of thinking or doing now that’s causing the trouble? Then you need a plan for how you’re going to fix the problem. Changing any habit requires time, a precise picture of what you are trying to accomplish, planning, systematically coaching yourself step by step in the new, more desirable way of responding and lots of practice. Both feel odd, unnatural, awkward, and sometimes even scary at first. So just like learning to drive in England, if you want to learn to think more positively about yourself and life, it will take time, practice, and a willingness to tolerate some uncomfortable feelings as you break old habits.
Below I’ve outlined a few common patterns of negative thinkers, along with some examples of more constructive ways to practice viewing things.
1. Going From A Single Negative Experience To Thinking The Worst About Your Whole Life
Dan, an A college student, gets a C on an exam. He concludes he is a total failure and was a fool to think he could ever go to graduate school. An example of a more realistic and helpful way for Dan to think about the situation is:
“This is only one exam. One exam won’t have any real impact on my future. I didn’t study enough because I was sick. Usually I do well. There’s absolutely no reason to think I won’t do well in the future.”
2. Locking Onto One Detail, Misinterpreting It, Then Coming To The Wrong Conclusion About The Entire Situation
Sheri is seeking a new romantic relationship. She recently began corresponding via e-mail with a man she met through eHarmony. He was supposed to phone her but instead e-mails that he misplaced her phone number and asks her to send it again. Sheri is furious. She doesn’t believe he lost it. She’s convinced he’s stalling because he doesn’t want to move the relationship forward. What’s more she’s insulted that he thinks he could fool her with such an obvious lie.
Sheri would be so much better off to say to herself:
“Wait a minute. Look at the big picture, Sheri. So far, this man Sam has been very nice. He hasn’t given me a single reason to think he’s a liar. Just because that my old boyfriend Ernie used to lie to me, don’t confuse Sam with Ernie.”
3. Discounting The Positive Things Others Say About You
Jesse has a low opinion of himself. When anybody pays him a compliment, Jesse thinks one of two things. Either they are just being nice but don’t really mean it, or, on the off chance that they do mean it, he’s fooled them.
A better way for Jesse to view things is:
“Could it be that there really are positive things about me that others like? Maybe so. People have no reason to lie to me. Most people have some good qualities. Why shouldn’t I believe that I do too?”
4. Automatically Taking Things Personally And Assuming The Worst
Janet’s husband looks unhappy when he gets home from work. Janet, who often puts herself down, concludes that he hates coming home. She thinks he’s probably sorry he married her. That starts her wondering if he’s been fooling around. Janet becomes silent and withdrawn.
Janet could benefit from stopping herself with more helpful and realistic thoughts like:
“Don’t let your mind race. Stop assuming things. Jim’s never given me any reason to think he’s fooling around. Ask him why he seems so down. It’s possible that it has nothing to do with me.”
5. Worrying About Something Bad Happening Even Though That Is Most Unlikely And Does Not Fit The Facts
Sy has done fine at his job. But when his boss sent back a report saying it needed revisions, he became very anxious that she might fire him. From there Sy’s mind raced to thoughts that he would never find another job, his wife would leave him, and he eventually would wind up a bagman! Sy needs to work on a new mental script that sounds more like:
“Hey man, weigh the facts. I have a more than satisfactory work record. My boss Jenny has never given the slightest indication she thinks of firing me. Even if she did, with my skills I could be on another job tomorrow.”
6. Believing Your Feelings Even Though The Facts Contradict The Feelings
Alicia feels guilty and thinks she is a bad person because she said something negative about her dead mother to her therapist.
Alicia’s corrected thinking is: “My mother had emotional problems and was very cruel to me. I feel guilty and like a bad person saying that about her, but what I said is true. And just because I feel guilty and bad, doesn’t mean I should be guilty and I am bad. Those are feelings, not facts, and I want to work on getting rid of them.”
7. Blaming Yourself For Things When You Were Not Responsible
The teacher wrote Leta that her daughter was not working well in class. Leta jumped to the conclusion that it was her fault and she was a bad mother. Here is some thinking that helped Leta:
“The teacher says my daughter needs a tutor and we arranged it. The problem has nothing to do with me as a mother. In fact I’m a good mother who supports my daughter’s efforts and gets her the help she needs. This isn’t about motherhood, it’s about me being so ready to blame myself even for problems that aren’t about me.”
If any of these thinking distortions sound like something you do, work at catching yourself in the act of doing it. It takes a little practice because this kind of thinking error often is such a well ingrained habit that it occurs automatically. But when you know what you’re looking for, with a little effort you’ll be able to tune in to it. Catching yourself in the act is step one in correcting distorted thinking.
Next, having spotted a piece of distorted thinking, ask yourself what a corrected way of thinking would be. What could you be telling yourself that is more accurate, more realistic, more helpful? Keep sorting through your thinking, correcting distortions, and drawing on the factual knowledge you have instead of drawing on your emotional fears. Keep plugging more and more sensible ideas into the equation. By doing that you’re teaching yourself to listen to your own common sense, instead of letting yourself be led around by unchallenged feelings and outdated ideas that hold you back. As you figure out what some corrected thinking might be and try it on for size, pat yourself on the back for being courageous enough to be open to new, healthier ways of thinking.
Cindy
