Here’s the thing, it happened about a year ago when he offered me $1000 for sex, which I thought was a weird joke that I turned down. But the tension was undeniable and I was eventually talked into it.
I bullshitted and said I had sex with two different people before but that was a lie that he eventually found out about. We had sex anyway, despite his protests during a momentary freak out about his wife.
Apparently he had waited until I turned 18 before he asked (he is 41) and he said that he only hired me because he wanted to fuck me. Strangely, I don’t feel bad about giving my virginity to my boss and not any of my ex-boyfriends.
I’m not trying to justify my actions but this has been going on for about 6 months and I CAN’T stop thinking about him and the next time we fuck. I don’t want to, but I have fallen for him. I think the best thing to do is to end it but I don’t know how. And should I break it off, I know that I’ll miss him and be completely heartbroken. Please help!
First of all, thank you for all the comments so far. I don’t think I was specific so here are some more details:
1) He never said that he loved me, we never ever discussed the possibility of being a couple or him leaving his wife and I explicitly told him that I would never fall for him. Which is why it’s so pathetic that I’m infatuated.
2) I never took the money for the sex. By then I had some feelings for him and I wanted to sleep with him; free of charge.
3) I’ve been told I’m an attractive person and there is no problems when it comes to hooking up at bars and clubs, but lately I just can’t bring myself to even think about anyone else but him. The shit thing is that if if did find someone else it would distract me from this whole situation. Catch-fucking-22
4) Finally, I have just admitted to myself that I was in denial about this for awhile. When it first started, I thought I could handle it but now I feel so suffocated by the hopelessness of my feelings for him. Shit
Also, we have sex about twice a week and it’s like I only live for those few hours. It’s impacting on my life big time and I KNOW I should end it but it would cause me so much emotional distress I don’t think I can face it. I’m such a coward.
It’s like a drug addiction, I swear. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you I am the most grounded person in situations and almost nothing phases me but I’ve cried for hours over this guy.
The worst thing is I can’t tell anyone about it, not my friends, my family or even him. I feel so goddamn alone.
Sorry this question turned into an epic essay type thing, but I’m trying to distract myself. It’s not working.
Marcia
